Short Mel Service

The DJ at the MIFF club last night was called DJ Le Coq Funkee. What a tremendously retarded DJ name.

Gah, McSweeney's! Can't these people *own* their ideas rather than smirking at them? It galls me that this frippery should be a benchmark for wit.

Stealing plastic cheese slices now. I'm like Burglar Bill: "That's a nice slice o' plastic cheese - I'll 'ave that!"

Jug is back. Celebratory swig of orange juice from bottle.

Last night I dreamed John So was assassinated while competing in a charity boxing match.

I would really like to have a trophy cabinet in my house, including a large two-handled cup with ribbons tied to the handles.

There is a never nude at Laundry!

It really annoys me when women wear wide legged cropped pants with boots. It makes them look like stumpy arts administrators.

Just saw some depressing bourgie gumboots: retro floral print w/gingham lining.

Would you call your child Herbert? What about Otto, Levin or August? (These are all Bismarcks).

Jug still missing. MOTHERFUCKERS! VERY ANGRY without my tea! Extra swig of orange juice from bottle.

Those fucks in the other office have stolen my electric jug. Tea is the only thing that sustains me in this awful place. Many, many cups of tea.

I just looked at my phone and it told me I was leet. I love you too, phone.

Would you be in a band called Compromise?

Pantene should sponsor a theatresports tournament. They could call it Pantene Impro-V.

This Egyptian guy just tried to pick me up on the tram. He said, "Come and watch me fight on Sunday night!" See, nothing turns me on like violence.

As soon as I got to this slide night I wanted to leave, but I have to stay. It smells like vomit in here.

Would you be in a band called Cushion Mission?

I don't know about you, but I'd be wary of eating at a place called Funky Curry.

Was just @ art opening, knew hipster but couldn't say, "Hi, the one who looks like the hunchback from Name of the Rose!"

Surely there's a tipping point where mere fat arses become those dreadful lard sacks that move up & down when walking. Tell me if I reach that point.

I'm pretty chuffed with my stockings today. They are so clingy and so perfectly matched to my skin tone that it looks like I'm wearing no stockings at all!

The other people in my office steal my milk. I avenge myself by drinking their orange juice from the bottle.