Short Mel Service

Teen girl on train: "I only just worked out what 'you jerked off on my toast' meant this year."

The restaurant we're having the wedding reception in has an open kitchen - like in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Hopefully we'll all be swearing like motherfuckers soon.

Overheard on Sydney train: teen hoochie talking about some dance movie. "It was full sick but it was also ill."

I'm at the Melb premiere of the all-male Swan Lake and I've already spotted Dannii Minogue and David from Big Brother!!

Mik Grigg's irritating column wasn't in Sunday's paper! But last week: footballer's girlfriend says Bali is her fav place "in the whole world, I've been 10 times"!

The new Chili Peppers song blows so unbelievably hard it makes John Butler look funky. How did they come to this?

I just thought of a swimming-themed lesbian porno called Lap It Up. Think of the breaststroke possibilities!

Do birds sing because they are happy, because they have something to say, or because they feel that's what they ought to be doing right now?