Short Mel Service

2007-07-28T15:13:00.000+10:00

Is it like a company rule that every Brown Gouge dry cleaner has to have a daggy old wedding dress on display in the window?

2007-07-28T13:18:00.000+10:00

Bracksy was a bit of a honey in his younger days!

2007-07-24T20:47:00.000+10:00

Would it be too damning to say that the singer in a particular Melb band "makes Ian Curtis sound like Pavarotti"?

2007-07-22T11:55:00.000+10:00

I just saw a poster of Marilyn Manson and someone had graffitied 666 on his forehead, which struck me as really retarded.

2007-06-21T08:40:00.000+10:00

And now I'm @ blue train about to have eggs benedict and coffee. Best morning evz!

2007-06-21T08:18:00.000+10:00

I'm on the Garden City bus! Even though I'm only going to work and not Garden City, it is the most exciting morning I've had in ages!

2007-06-16T00:06:00.000+10:00

Someone has to unmask The Gossip as a lame fraud. They're being played @ this DJ night I'm at now.

2007-06-16T00:05:00.000+10:00

The thing about DJing is the explosion of awesome when the crowd gets each track. I'm @ an indie night @ a Sydney pub.

2007-06-12T20:06:00.000+10:00

Hey, remember that night we saw that dude who said his girlfriend cheated on him with his mate? I'm pretty sure I just saw the same guy with a smackie-looking chick, saying he needed cash for an epilepsy script.

2007-06-09T13:10:00.000+10:00

There's a busking act in the Bourke St mall that reminds me of the Bulgarian act from Eurovision. Massive drums and shrieking over techno beats!

2007-05-05T03:12:00.000+10:00

I just found the weirdest object on my bedroom floor - a guitar pick folded into a sticker about subwoofers. No idea how it got there. It seems portentous.

2007-05-03T00:15:00.000+10:00

My blouse is blowing in the wind. I feel like I'm in a power ballad video!

2007-05-01T21:51:00.000+10:00

Club X is advertising its 'Ram Lounge' as "revamped thrusting fun". It strikes me as odd that they'd use the word 'thrusting'.

2007-05-01T13:07:00.000+10:00

I just saw a guy who looked just like the young Dennis Quaid!

2007-04-23T12:56:00.000+10:00

Teen girl on train: "I only just worked out what 'you jerked off on my toast' meant this year."

2007-04-21T18:41:00.000+10:00

The restaurant we're having the wedding reception in has an open kitchen - like in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Hopefully we'll all be swearing like motherfuckers soon.

2007-04-19T13:23:00.000+10:00

Overheard on Sydney train: teen hoochie talking about some dance movie. "It was full sick but it was also ill."

2007-04-11T21:40:00.000+10:00

I'm at the Melb premiere of the all-male Swan Lake and I've already spotted Dannii Minogue and David from Big Brother!!

2007-04-09T22:48:00.000+10:00

Mik Grigg's irritating column wasn't in Sunday's paper! But last week: footballer's girlfriend says Bali is her fav place "in the whole world, I've been 10 times"!

2007-04-08T23:20:00.000+10:00

The new Chili Peppers song blows so unbelievably hard it makes John Butler look funky. How did they come to this?

2007-04-04T08:35:00.000+10:00

I just thought of a swimming-themed lesbian porno called Lap It Up. Think of the breaststroke possibilities!

2007-04-02T17:15:00.000+10:00

Do birds sing because they are happy, because they have something to say, or because they feel that's what they ought to be doing right now?

2007-03-31T15:10:00.000+10:00

The smoothness of a spoon slipping through your mouth as you slide the food off is really satisfying.

2007-03-29T19:09:00.000+10:00

A sign on a bench at melb central station warns the seat is 'loose and dangerous'. Sounds like a pulp novel!

2007-03-29T15:55:00.001+10:00

Imagine how noisy it would have been back in the day, with horses being all the traffic.

2007-03-29T14:31:00.000+10:00

It's so satisfying when you pick up your opened can of drink and it's still heavy. There's still drinking left to look forward to.

2007-03-26T11:33:00.000+10:00

I'm nuts about !!!'s album Myth Takes. It takes me back to the sheer euphoria I felt watching them right down the front at Golden Plains. It makes me feel like a hero.

2007-03-24T16:18:00.000+11:00

Today I felt so fiercely glad to be alive, so joyfully bewildered to be occupying my body, smelling and seeing and feeling and being in the world.

2007-03-23T23:19:00.000+11:00

Just went to a bar toilet and was handed a wheel of toilet paper like a wheel of cheese. Wtf am I meant to do with this massive wheel of toilet paper?

2007-03-19T07:56:00.000+11:00

I think Rowan Atkinson should retire the Mr Bean character. It's getting tired.

2007-03-18T20:55:00.000+11:00

I'm at trivia and it's an entire round about masturbation songs. The whole pub is currently singing along to "I Touch Myself".

2007-03-13T20:57:00.000+11:00

I'm in Pellegrini's and if Rose Byrne isn't sitting next to me on the bar, it's a girl who looks astonishingly like her!

2007-03-08T21:54:00.000+11:00

Ew, I finally heard my housemate and his girlfriend having sex. God, I can still hear it in my room with the door closed. I had to put on music myself!

2007-03-07T09:40:00.000+11:00

I just saw a guy who looked like Daniel Craig... in 30 years and with a moustache.

2007-03-05T11:24:00.000+11:00

I love the quietness after having cried hysterically. It's almost like post-orgasm quietness. You feel wrung out.

2007-03-01T08:27:00.000+11:00

I just saw a guy who looked like the dirt Skeet Ulrich! He was quite hott in an ex-private school garage band way.

2007-02-27T22:24:00.000+11:00

If they wanted to bust me big time, they'd disguise met inspectors as international students. Nobody would ever suspect them.

2007-02-27T12:57:00.000+11:00

Never trust a man who wears a mustard coloured business shirt.

2007-02-25T13:16:00.000+11:00

Why, when Mario's has so many hot and friendly male waiters, am I always served by the surly female ones?

2007-02-23T17:44:00.000+11:00

The way I rest my hand on my hip comes out really stylishly in photographs.

2007-02-23T15:00:00.000+11:00

Sometimes babies' cries sound like cats miaowing.

2007-02-20T17:30:00.001+11:00

I would really like someone to massage my shoulders right now.

2007-02-13T21:20:00.000+11:00

I have formulated a genius plan for tmrw. It shall be Drunk All Day Wednesday.

2007-02-12T18:32:00.000+11:00

I think the key to a masculine or feminine mouth is the upper lip. The plumper it is, the more girly you look.

2007-02-01T08:42:00.000+11:00

You know, when Einstein was younger I'd totally have hit that. Genius hott!!

2007-01-14T10:35:00.000+11:00

Def Leppard is on Video Hits right now and the drummer has 2 arms pls explain. The song is "Rock of Ages". Also the lead singer is wearing a v contemp neck scarf.

2006-12-28T17:12:00.000+11:00

The song "Loosen Up My Buttons" really annoys me as buttons cannot be loosened, only done up or not.

2006-08-31T15:02:00.000+10:00

I have taken to stealing crackers with cream cheese on them now. They taste best when smuggled past someone else's open office door.

2006-08-24T17:04:00.000+10:00

A woman who looked just like Cher just walked past!

2006-08-08T13:46:00.000+10:00

I am so sick of looking like a dickhead because things I organise are delayed or cancelled. People only have so much good faith, and I am sick of exhausting it.

2006-08-08T12:07:00.000+10:00

This apple is a lovely surprise! It's all yellowed, so I was expecting it to be floury and gross, but it's crisp and sweet!

2006-08-03T14:11:00.000+10:00

Holy crap, it's pissing down! Makes me glad to be indoors. Now for a cosy cup of tea.

2006-08-03T13:05:00.000+10:00

Is there a Jewish hipster mag called Oyster? If not you should start it.

2006-08-02T10:19:00.000+10:00

Cardigan sounds like an Irish surname, don't you think? I discovered this just now when saying in a hokey Irish accent, "Whar's me cardigan?"

2006-08-01T19:14:00.000+10:00

An old Asian lady on the tram just offered me a seat. I think she thought I was pregnant! So humiliated.

2006-07-28T17:47:00.000+10:00

The DJ at the MIFF club last night was called DJ Le Coq Funkee. What a tremendously retarded DJ name.

2006-07-25T15:52:00.000+10:00

Gah, McSweeney's! Can't these people *own* their ideas rather than smirking at them? It galls me that this frippery should be a benchmark for wit.

2006-07-25T14:05:00.000+10:00

Stealing plastic cheese slices now. I'm like Burglar Bill: "That's a nice slice o' plastic cheese - I'll 'ave that!"

2006-07-24T13:48:00.000+10:00

Jug is back. Celebratory swig of orange juice from bottle.

2006-07-24T12:57:00.000+10:00

Last night I dreamed John So was assassinated while competing in a charity boxing match.

2006-07-23T21:03:00.000+10:00

I would really like to have a trophy cabinet in my house, including a large two-handled cup with ribbons tied to the handles.

2006-07-23T00:37:00.000+10:00

There is a never nude at Laundry!

2006-07-22T14:03:00.000+10:00

It really annoys me when women wear wide legged cropped pants with boots. It makes them look like stumpy arts administrators.

2006-07-22T13:48:00.000+10:00

Just saw some depressing bourgie gumboots: retro floral print w/gingham lining.

2006-07-21T11:39:00.000+10:00

Would you call your child Herbert? What about Otto, Levin or August? (These are all Bismarcks).

2006-07-20T13:24:00.000+10:00

Jug still missing. MOTHERFUCKERS! VERY ANGRY without my tea! Extra swig of orange juice from bottle.

2006-07-19T13:05:00.000+10:00

Those fucks in the other office have stolen my electric jug. Tea is the only thing that sustains me in this awful place. Many, many cups of tea.

2006-07-18T13:37:00.000+10:00

I just looked at my phone and it told me I was leet. I love you too, phone.

2006-07-18T10:59:00.000+10:00

Would you be in a band called Compromise?

2006-07-16T10:12:00.000+10:00

Pantene should sponsor a theatresports tournament. They could call it Pantene Impro-V.

2006-07-15T14:16:00.000+10:00

This Egyptian guy just tried to pick me up on the tram. He said, "Come and watch me fight on Sunday night!" See, nothing turns me on like violence.

2006-07-14T18:22:00.000+10:00

As soon as I got to this slide night I wanted to leave, but I have to stay. It smells like vomit in here.

2006-07-14T15:01:00.000+10:00

Would you be in a band called Cushion Mission?

2006-07-14T09:39:00.000+10:00

I don't know about you, but I'd be wary of eating at a place called Funky Curry.

2006-07-13T19:06:00.000+10:00

Was just @ art opening, knew hipster but couldn't say, "Hi, the one who looks like the hunchback from Name of the Rose!"

2006-07-13T15:28:00.000+10:00

Surely there's a tipping point where mere fat arses become those dreadful lard sacks that move up & down when walking. Tell me if I reach that point.

2006-07-13T13:56:00.000+10:00

I'm pretty chuffed with my stockings today. They are so clingy and so perfectly matched to my skin tone that it looks like I'm wearing no stockings at all!

2006-07-13T10:36:00.000+10:00

The other people in my office steal my milk. I avenge myself by drinking their orange juice from the bottle.